Joke - Cleaning the shit.

Bedlam - humour.

Jack Chambers has sent me another humorous piece. Haven't heard it put this way before, but it's a great analogy. If you enjoy the post, please vote it up on Stumble, Digg or any other Social Bookmark service you use.

I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back patio and filled it with seed. What a beauty of a bird feeder it was. I filled it lovingly with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.

But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue. Then came the shit... It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table...everywhere!

Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket. And other birds were boisterous and loud.. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day demanding that I fill it when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even sit in my own back garden anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like it used to be ..... quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now let's see...... our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, and free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen. A terrific social system.

Then the illegal immigrants streamed in by hundreds of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for THEIR free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor; your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English.

Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to 'press one' to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than the British Flag. are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder. If you agree, pass it on; if not, continue cleaning up the shit!

Thanks for that contribution Jack. Some great principles there.

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End of post - Cleaning the shit.

Joke - The senior citizen and sperm

Bedlam - Humour.

Wow! Fred Ashford has come up with yet another joke. Where the hell does he get them from?

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I'll need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say? What do I need to do? It sounds very complicated."

The wife yells back to him, "NO PROBLEM MY LOVE. JUST GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS,"

Hilarious. Thanks Fred. Told from personal experience maybe.... Hope you can drag some more jokes in.

If you like the joke, please vote it up on Stumble, Digg, or whatever other social bookmark you may use..
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End of post - The senior citizen and sperm.

Joke - The Catholic priest

Bedlam - Humour.

Okay, so here's another joke. If you're offended.... tough. I like it.

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?

Acne usually only comes on a boy's face after he's 12 years old....

Hope it was to your taste. If it was, don't forget to give it a thumbs up on Stumble.

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End of post - The Catholic priest.

Joke - The Texan and the tight skirt

Bedlam - Humour.

Once again Fred Ashford has contributed a joke. I'm glad he keeps finding these gems. Keep 'em rolling, Fred. May there be many more.

If you like the post, please remember to give it a thumbs up on Stumble, Digg or your favourite Social bookmarking site, to let other people know about it.

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we was friends."

Thanks once more Fred. Very funny....

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End of post - The Texan and the tight skirt.

Joke - the virgin and the pasta

Bedlam - humour.

Here's another joke from Jack Chambers. If you like it, please vote it up on Stumble, Digg or whatever social bookmark you use.

Maria had just married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her, 'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama,Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'

'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'

'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'

Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'

Thanks for sending that Jack - superb.

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End of post - The virgin and the pasta

More supermarket shit

Bedlam - comment.

Do you purchase fruit from a supermarket? We do, we get our stuff from Mercadonna. Why do the bastards insist on sticking germ-ridden labels onto soft fruit? It isn't just Mercadonna, it seems to be all supermarkets.

Is it the supermarkets, the distributors or the producers who slap them on? I've no idea, but it's so damn unnecessary. What does it do? What does it prove? All that happens is we scrape them off WITHOUT looking .

Future purchases.

We aren't damn well interested in what it says. We've already bought the stuff. We're not going to be swayed into buying more by a horrible sticky label. WE'RE MORE LIKELY TO BE PUT OFF PURCHASING IN THE FUTURE.

It's horrible!

We're the ones who have to scrub the damn fruit to get rid of the germs and bacteria trapped beneath. It's a VILE habit.

Mr. Supermarket Manager, listen to me. Even if it isn't you who's responsible, YOU have the power to do something about it.

It's a dirty, stupid, unnecessary and disgusting habit. Stop bloody doing it. Leave our fruit alone... Don't stick those disgusting little labels on.

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End of post.

Joke - the two dwarfs.

Bedlam - humour.

Fred Ashford has just emailed me another joke. Hope you enjoy..... If you do, please give me a thumbs up on Stumble, Digg or whatever Social Bookmark site you use....

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH!' Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!' Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!' ... All night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?'

The first mutters, 'It was very embarrassing.. I just couldn't get an erection.'

The second dwarf shook his head. 'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bloody bed.'

Great stuff. Thanks for that Fred.

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End of post - The two dwarfs

Joke - The chicken farmer and coincidence

Bedlam - humour.

Here's great joke from the fun loving Jack Chambers.

The Chicken Farmer

A chicken farmer stopped in local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating,' said the woman.'

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that at last I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled secretively, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'

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Thanks for sending that, Jack. Keep sending them in ....

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End of post - The chicken farmer and coincidence.

joke - Call centre conversations

Bedlam - humour.

Once again I have a submission from Fred Ashford.....Hope you enjoy, I did.


These are Real call centre conversations

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.


Samsung Electronics

Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.

RAC Motoring Services

Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

Directory Enquiries

Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland'..

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.

Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'..
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'

Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.

There's always one. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance. May I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No..'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good.. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer!!!!!'


Hope you enjoyed. I fell about laughing. Thanks Fred.

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End of post - Call centre conversations

Lorries and Jalon

Bedlam - comment.

I wish to inform the driver who left his lorry on the roundabout in Jalon, Spain, with the engine running that there are better places to park when you want to pee.

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End of post - Lorries and Jalon

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Joke - The golfing nun

Bedlam - humour.


Fred ashford has sent me yet another joke from his bottomless pit of funnies.......

THE GOLFING NUN.......

It's evening, and a nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother. 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the
fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister in anguish, 'Because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...'You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?'

Thanks Fred. Hope you don't run out....

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End of post - Joke - The golfing nun

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Amy Winehouse and the swimming pool

Bedlam - comment.

Jeez! AMY WINEHOUSE is at it again.

Management at the Caribbean resort where AMY WINEHOUSE is staying have now banned her from taking a swim in their pool.

Staff at the Cotton Bay holiday complex in St Lucia became concerned at AMY’s practice of taking a dip after lengthy drinking sessions. They were worried she might drown so banned her for safety reasons.

Apparently, staff came across AMY on several occasions crumpled on the grass by the pool after swimming.

One of the staff said, “She’s regularly drinking large quantities of wine and rum and no one in her condition should be going anywhere near water.”

And I agree entirely. It's about time Amy started behaving like a human-being instead of a prat. Just what will she get up to next?

• *** Amy Winehouse, Amy Winehouse, Amy Winehouse ***

End of post - Amy Winehouse and the swimming pool

Joke - Lady luck

Bedlam - humour.

Thanks to Jack Chambers for sending me this.

Lady Luck.

Can you believe it? What are the mathematical chances of having two lots of good luck in only 2 days? This guy wins Lotto on a Wednesday, and then finds a fiancé just 2 days later.

Nice one Jack. Keep 'em rolling.

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End of post - Joke, - Lady luck

Joke - 100% effort

Bedlam - humour.

Thanks again to Fred Ashford for this joke.

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K -N-O -W-L -E-D-G-E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T -T -I-T -U -D-E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B -U -L -L -S-H-I -T = 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I-N-G = 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Thanks Fred. Many a true word is spoken in jest.....

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End of post - Joke - How can you give 100% effort

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What the hell is it with the Spanish and car parks?

Bedlam comment.

What the hell is it with the Spanish and car parks? They piss me off.

Everywhere you turn they're turning car parking areas into building plots and high-rise apartment blocks. I've seen it time after time in Calpe and Benidorm. What was once a neat little area for parking is suddenly ringed with wire-mesh fencing, then a building appears....

... And what does a high rise apartment mean.... loads more people .... and with people come cars. Are the planners REALLY so dense they can't see what's happening. Towns are becoming no-go areas for traffic - business is squeezed.

In Jalon (Xalo) there were two nice little areas for parking, then along came the developers and they shoved a medical centre on one of them - which brings in more people - with less places to park the bloody cars they come in. Just which thick-shit council member is responsible for planning this?

In the centre of Jalon (Xalo) are a few marked out parking spots, and what happens .... the bloody council allows one of the bars to shove table and chairs on them. Who the hell twisted their brain cells to come up with that one? I swear one of these days I'll ram my car into them.

I need to visit a medical clinic in the middle of Calpe next week, so today I went to find where it was. Could I find a parking spot .... could I hell. We drove around for ages until we spotted someone leaving a tiny slot ... and jumped in.

When will Spanish authorities realise that in the 21st century we NEED car parks. This isn't the middle ages where donkeys rule. In the UK you find car parks anywhere and everywhere, you put a coin in a slot and park up. People who run UK car parks actually MAKE money.

Surely it's not beyond Spanish intellect to grab a money making scheme when it's flaunted so obviously. Property is not selling, why not make money from parking spots?

Come on Mr. Spain. Build car parks not apartments, and charge people for parking on them. No one is buying your apartments. Car parks bring in money forever......

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End of post - What the hell is it with the Spanish and car parks?
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